Oink If You Have Swine Flu

The Associated Press and USA Today confirmed reports yesterday that U.S. government officials have dropped the name "swine flu" when speaking about the outbreak of the "H1N1" virus. According to an expose in Pork Fancy magazine, the agricultural department has been under round-the-clock pressure from the Washington pork lobby which fears the term "swine flu" will confuse people into thinking they can catch the virus from pork, which they can't...unless the pork is eaten raw, someone has taken the term "slam pig" literally, or it has crossed the border into Texas in the back of a '72 El Camino. Far be it from our latest administration to want to hurt the feelings of millions of pigs world wide....

Speaking on deep background, a source revealed only as "Kermit," who also assisted on the Sesame Street layoff story, agrees that simply eating pork will not give a person swine flu. However, Kermit advises that just by kissing a pig, the chances of getting swine flu increase 87% and if the pig you are kissing happens to hail from Mexico, then you need to get your ass to an emergency room before you begin to grow a small pink tail and it begins to curl up. He does also forecast labor issues in his neighborhood arising now that the Obama adminstration has insisted on referring to the current outbreak by the term "H1N1". "The letters Q and Z are definitely going to have a problem with this," said Kermit, "and I am hearing that 3 is feeling affirmative action may be necessary to in order to stay relevant in the future.." Kermit also could not confirm or deny reports that Miss Piggy has checked herself into to Cedars Sinai in Los Angeles for “flu-like exhaustion" as a result of the latest news.

As international health agencies gear up to fight the first politically correct disease pandemic, Muslim extremist and Ultra-Orthodox Jews have found a common ground protesting the"swine flu" moniker due to shared religious sensitivities to pigs. The U.N. has been test marketing posters in Iraq "Aren't you glad you don't dig on swine!" in which a woman in a burka instructs her children to wash their hands. While similar sentiments are being used on public service pamphlets in Tel Aviv with a photo of Jerry Seinfeld tossing bagels at Kramer, who is holding a small pig. The caption reads, "The new flu - Oink Vey! It's not kosher, anymore!"

Mexico, still trying to recover from damage caused by the growing popularity of the term "Dirty Sanchez", is openly fighting global pressure to call the outbreak the "Mexican Flu".  But in an attempt to cash in on the swine flu mania and increase its global visibilty, the Maldives has announced that it would like to put it's hat in the ring as host of the new flu name. The term "Maldavian Pig Pox" was approved almost unanimously by the island nation's 340,000 residents during a town hall style vote. Residents felt the name was neither demeaning nor offensive as there are no pigs living on any of the country's 2,000 islands nor has anyone had any type of flu or flu-like disease since the country gained independence from Britian in the 1950's.

Maldavies Minister of Tourism, Sir Nelson Biggles, is quick to point out that a similar epidemic created a tourist boom in the late '90s for the West Nile area of Africa, especially with researchers, journalists and scientists. The Minister stopped short of stringing together events such as Bea Arthur's death, global warming, Susan Boyle's instant stardom, Arlen Specter's political switch and Air Force One buzzing Lower Manhattan as direct results of the swine flu epidemic.

"We are trying very hard to evoke President Obama's message of hope into our new travel and tourism push and we will be rolling out a series of new ads during American prime time television and Major League Baseball games," said Sir Nelson. "We are very excited to announce the new Maldavian travel slogan - Maldavian Pig Pox.....Yes, you can! Catch it!"

No word yet from the White House if President Obama himself has discovered the cure to this flu, but sources say it has been added to his list, and he is working on it intently....

Obama Takes Off The Teflon & Bowls a Turkey

Has the media finally chipped away the smooth as silk image to unearth President Obama’s one true Achilles heel? Superman had Kryptonite. Bill Clinton had interns. George Washington had wooden teeth. Now, Obama has bowling.

Toward the end of his taped appearance with Jay Leno on “The Tonight Show,” Obama compared his bowling talents to the Special Olympics. It’s not really a stretch, considering how bad he sucks at bowling, but if I was a Special Olympics athlete, I’d be pretty damned pissed. Danny Duval, a Special Olympian from Missouri, bowled a 231 in the 2006 Games in Iowa -- that’s 200 points more than what the President scored almost a year ago while bowling on the campaign trail.  Mr. President, your bowling isn't like Special Olympics, but more akin to Laff-A-Lympics.

Making light of the physically and/or mentally challenged by comparing them to his remedial bowling abilities, marks a low point for the President’s first 59 days in the White House. Frankly, I think there is just one way to make the pending furor go away --  a bowl-off. Just like the “Thrilla in Manila,” the “Woweey at the White House Alley” will serve to entertain the nation and divert attention from the Sesame Street layoffs, the Snuggie, John Stewart’s feud with Jim Cramer, and Lindsay Lohan. Danny’s got your number, Mr. President…it’s just a matter of time before he packs up his “special” balls and hits the Beltway with one objective – to take you down.

What I loved was that in an attempt at damage control, the White House immediately issued the following statement: "The president made an off-hand remark making fun of his own bowling that was in no way intended to disparage the Special Olympics. He thinks the Special Olympics is a wonderful program that gives an opportunity for people with disabilities from around the world."  Really....I was actually disappointed that the White House, riding the wave from the confirmation of O'Bama's Irishness, didn't take this opportunity to say that his being "bowling challenged" is evidence of a physical disability....

The amazing thing about this entire scenario is the timeline – first cable news outlets leaked the comments from the live feed, then maniacal web outrage ensued and finally the White House statement - the remark was effectively wrapped in a neat little “swept under the rug” package, all before the show aired. Apparently Obama has Teflon-coated bowling shoes. Why did the White House have to issue a statement, anyway….hmmm…could this be “Bowling Gate?” Bryant Gumbel, I smell an HBO “Real Sports” expose in the works.

In a few days, I'm sure we will be able to look back on this blip with more clarity and appreciate it for what it is – it’s bowling for Christ’s sake! Bowling! And the ability to bowl isn’t really even a skill – it’s like eating with chopsticks or tying your shoes – if you don't practice enough, you ultimately look stupid trying. It is an activity that you can do while drinking beer, has obnoxiously large, heavy balls, is virtually impossible to look cool doing, has doublewide gutters, shoes that even Payless wouldn’t sell, and hell, was the backdrop for most plotlines of "Laverne and Shirley". 

So what if Barack Obama can’t bowl? Do we really want the leader of our nation to be an elite bowler? What does that say about us as a nation, anyway? And besides, the last truly avid White House bowler was Nixon…and we all know how well that administration went over.....

O'Bama Go Bragh?

Even on St. Patrick’s Day, we can’t ALL really be Irish, can we?

Apparently, we can…recent published accounts claim that President Barack Obama has Irish roots. The tiny village of Moneygall, population just under 300, has laid claim to the title of ancestral home of President Barack Obama. Town officials claim that Obama’s great-great-great maternal grandfather lived there until he left Ireland for the United States at the age of 19. Apparently, this was 160 years ago, and the country that brought us “Waking Ned Devine,” claims to have uncovered “official looking” documentation to prove it.

While casting Barack in “Famine, The Musical” would be a bit of a stretch as only 1 percent of the current Irish population is black. It’s not that far-fetched that he is indeed Irish, because what isn’t he these days? Savior of the economy, beacon of hope for our nation, Norman Rockwell-esque family man, lover of Michelle and according to his Joint Congressional address possible curer of cancer…it was only a matter of time before the blarney was out of the bag regarding his Irish ancestry. After all, I tell my children that they are a melting pot; that their ancestors hail from Ireland, Cuba, Italy, Scotland, Russia, Germany and the Ukraine. (Of course, I am very, VERY quick to point out that the best part of them and majority of their heritage hails from the West Coast of Ireland, but that is beside the point.)

And who doesn’t want to be Irish? According to the last census, 34.5 million people in the U.S. claim they have Irish ancestry. This statistic is approximately 9 times the actual population of Ireland, (somewhere over 4 million). Perhaps this is a new kind of Chicago/Irish math, because the numbers don’t seem to jibe with the approximately 2 million Irish who immigrated to American during the height of the famine in the mid-1800’s. If the stats are true, than one thing is certain: the Irish are one horny, mother fucking lot (and clearly do not stay at the Holiday Inn Express!). They reproduced like rabbits, or like wire hangers in a coat closet….throw one in and 25 come out….but maybe it’s just the Catholic ones.

Yet, this great “mick” love affair was not always the case. Even if your only exposure to Irish history has been the be gosh and be goragh “Far and Away,” the Lucky Charms leprechaun or Colin Farrell, you know at various points in time nobody gave a shit about the Irish. But I must admit, that I’ve always loved my Irish heritage. I’ve never once woken up and wished to be Dutch, Swedish or even Japanese. There is no secret handshake, special way to order a pint or VIP access to “Riverdance.” I have tried to proudly teach my children about all the branches in our family tree, with special attention to the clan from County Mayo. No matter hard hard I try, however, my 8 year old son wants nothing of it.  For some reason, much to my chagrin, he is absolutely convinced that he is the only one in our family that is French.

What Will Happen When Obama has Fallen and Can't Get Up?

If Barack Obama fell alone in the woods, would we all feel his pain? When he stumbles upon his first policy failure, will we, the American people, hurt the most? I ask these questions because, this morning I read a New York Times blog post titled “Sometimes a President is just a President,” and was left wondering what was it exactly about President Obama and the entire Obama clan that makes them seem so accessible to us as a nation? Do we want to mirror them in our own lives and our own relationships? Or are we looking for some sort of hero, a savior?

In the piece, author Judith Warner, details a dream she had of Barack Obama showering in her bathroom. She then went on to describe similar dreams of others, dreams of having sex with Barack, dreams of befriending Michelle, dreams of having the girls over for a play date, while Michelle goes off to shop at Costco. Quite frankly, it all strikes me as a little creepy, because my dreams and anxieties usually include teeth falling out, free-falling over the Grand Canyon or riding a subway car naked, not the President of the United States and his family, and definitely NOT the Vice President. I dream of Biden? No way.

Our national Obama obsession is quickly crossing a blurry line into demagogue territory. Has history and Simon Cowell taught us nothing about idol worship? Barak Obama is not Superman. We are only in his first 100 days of the presidency. He will be tested. He will fall. He will fail us. Why? Because, he is human. The expectations we are all placing, not just Americans but the world, on this one man are gargantuan and godlike. Everyday the pedestal that we have placed him on rises higher and higher to the Heavens like the Tower of Babel. Newsweek has even run a cover story citing how Obama will talk us out of an economic depression with his confidence. How will we all react when he falls?

We need to give the man and his family space. The freedom to make decisions and the freedom to make mistakes. My favorite essay in “The Last Lecture” is titled “Be the First Penguin,” it is about not being afraid to fail. Late author, Randy Pausch, writes “Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.” He later writes that students need to realize that “failure is not just acceptable, but that it is essential.” At the rate that Obamania is growing, there is no room for failure and one misstep, one wrong turn and the entire train is derailed. Will the fallout merit the mistake? In Obama’s case probably not, but rest assured Mr. President, there will be some of us waiting with one of Pausch’s “Best First Penguin” awards to help you up, to applaud your failure and to let you use your experience to move us as a nation on.