There are many things that I would give up if the Ab Genie granted my wish for a rock hard core, or if a plastic surgeon took me on as a charity case.....like lying about my age, cheating at Monopoly, rolling through stop signs, making my kids do silly dances for me before I will feed them, removing from my head the word "ruh-tard" when I see a mentally handicapped person, looting and pillaging my neighbor's collection of mail-order catalogs, hoarding and eating the kids Halloween and Easter candy.....but sex (for many different reasons).....would be no where on the list (despite my current knocked up condition).
Don't get me wrong, for as much as I love my husband, his penchant to grab my breasts in greeting, "just because he can" can actually be a turn off (side note: I mean, seriously, what is up with guys and boobs? We were walking in Fisherman's Wharf in SF a month ago and a fat old guy walks past us wearing a T-shirt that said "I love boobies"....what up with that?!?). So when I get really fed up, he whines that I can be a one woman sex excuse generating machine:
- It's too hot.
- It's too cold.
- I have to poop....and it can't wait.
- Odd days of the week are such a turn off.
- Ugh, you didn't change the channel & I'm so NOT watching Leno, good night.
- I just moisturized.
- I think one of the kids just puked, better go check.
- Poking me on facebook does not constitute foreplay.
- I'm just 146 pages away from finishing up "Pride & Prejudice" for the 18th time.
- You really shouldn't have had all those onions with dinner.
- Oops, I forgot to put the laundry in the dryer.
- I'm too worried about the economy and why Bill O'Reilly keeps picking on poor Jennifer Aniston?
- Ooh, "Castle" is on and you know how much I love that Nathan Fillion....
- This is a really hard Sudoku puzzle...I just want to finish it
- John Mayer has been tweeting like crazy today....I can't wait to see what he says next!
According to eHow, "30 minutes of intercourse will burn 195 calories." Isn't that a much better way to burn off that late afternoon grande mocha? So why take one option off the list that would actually help keep those rockin' abs a rockin'. Granted, it's no Zumba class, but it actually can be fun, when you get out of your head and let it. Besides,there's a reason the book is called "Skinny Bitch," there are more health benefits related to sex than starving yourself, such as better body image, feeling sexier, stress relief, ....did I mention STRESS RELIEF?
I bring up stress relief, because we are becoming an increasingly angrier and angrier nation. Workplace shootings; pissed off flight attendants; Kelsey Grammar (who, btw, recently dumped the wife who convinced him she had something called "irritable bowel syndrome"...and made him go on TV and talk about it...damn, why couldn't I pull that one off!); all those greasy, sweaty, hairless, leather-like gorilla Jersey Shore guys "creepin'" all over the place; the incompetent New York State legislature; and more and more Kardashians coming out of the woodwork each day....we are awash in a perfect storm of a listless economy, general overall resentment, tawdry voyeurism through 24-hour gossip sites (LUV U PEREZ!) and global warming.....so I must ask, is anybody out there (other than me) having any sex?