Can You Tell Me How to Get…to the Welfare Line?

Brought to you by the letter W…

I knew the state of the economy was bad, but when I read in USA Today that layoffs were hitting Sesame Street, you know the shit is really bad. When the cutbacks reached 123 Sesame Street, it was widely reported that many overheard Bert yell at Ernie, “Bitch, you better get your ho’ shoes on!” Frustrated that he has never been able to make it out of the basement due to Ernie’s shopaholic ways, Bert finally was pushed over the edge by a recent eBay bender consisting of Ernie selling off Bert's beloved paperclip collection to pay for auction items beginning with the letter "n."

Yet, the first ones forced to pack their bags and move off of Sesame Street have been Roosevelt Franklin, Rosita and the number 9. “I thought Obama was going to make it all better,” claimed Franklin. “First Wall Street, then Main Street, now Sesame Street.  Damn! This was going to be my year for marquee status – endorsement deals and a shoe contract. I was moving on up to the main house with Gordon.”

“I know what you mean, one day you’re on Salma Hayek’s speed-dial, the next day your cleaning up after Snuffleupagus….and believe me, despite the myth, there ain't nothin imaginary about that mo’ fo’,” concurred Rosita. Neither had any thoughts regarding their next steps, though Rosita did mention a life-long dream of driving a livery cab and the number 9 was planning on hanging out for awhile with the number 6 in the West Village....

To pick up the slack, a corporate restructuring has left many Muppets pulling double duty. The Count von Count has been reassigned to the finance department while Oscar the Grouch will be phased into customer service. “It’s not an ideal situation,” stated Muppet spokes frog, Kermit, “but we are accountable to our shareholders. The layoffs are the only way to weather the current economic storm.” The frog also confirmed that executives are exploring alternative storylines for Ernie and Bert in an effort to appeal to a broader audience and compete with HBO.

This did little to allay job loss fears, as protesters, lead by Prairie Dawn marched to Hooper’s store. “Monsters, Muppets,” said Ms. Dawn, “I am here to recruit you.” The thick, furry crowd chanted “Letters! Numbers! Monsters! Fight! Muppets know that frog ain’t right!”

“If Mr. Rodgers was still alive, he never would have let this happen!” said Prairie Dawn. “None of the humans are getting the boot, only the flocked, fluffy, and furry ones.”

“What can I say,” said long time Sesame resident, Bob, responding to the remarks, “I guess one of these things is not like the other.”

Older, lesser-used Muppets, such as Telly Monster and Sherlock Hemlock have opted to take a lucrative early retirement package, while a lucky few, Grover, Cookie and Herry Monster have scored stand-in gigs with Blue Man Group. Sources also claim that Elmo has started intense negotiations with producers, eager to boost Broadway ticket sales, for a permanent move to Avenue Q.

Big Bird, who has no plans to leave the nest, commented, “Let’s face it, the Elmo’s World series is so not Oscar-worthy.” At press time, Elmo could not be reached for comment.