With a Snuggie On, Who’s Got Your Back?

My daughter just informed me that for her next birthday, all she really wants - aside from an IPod, a Nintendo DS, $10,000 cash and a pony – is a Snuggie.

Thrown for a loop, I definitely didn’t see that one coming. Even if you’ve been living in a cave in Afghanistan, you’ve seen the obnoxious commercial - first hypnotically on late night television, and then repetitively sprinkled into daytime and primetime fare. It is as much a part of Disney Channel as Hannah Montana , that annoying HSM franchise, and subliminal marketing. It has moved into my family’s vernacular the same way rote learning has taught my son his addition facts. Blaring at us 24/7, my kids know, without skipping a beat, that Snuggies come in “three designer colors,” cost $19.95 plus tax, shipping and handling, come with a free book light, and if I act now, can get a second one for free.  

The New York Times Sunday Styles section ran an expose by Allen Salkin, “Snuggie On the Street: Watch Your Back,” about the one untold side effect of Snuggie wear, static. While the article was funny and informative, it still did not answer my one fundamental question, “If you stand up, how does a Snuggie stay on?”

After all, isn’t it just a glorified hospital gown? What good is it if the minute you stand up to go to the bathroom your freezing ass is hanging out? C’mon, we all know the best new car amenity is the built-in seat heaters! And besides, isn’t there some adage about happiness being a warm ass, but cold body, or is it the other way around….warm body and cold ass?

I’ve read where “Snuggie Bar Crawls” are a new phenomenon and the Times article even featured a photo of a Snuggie-clad fan sitting on a bar stool, holding a wine glass. However, more questions came to my mind…Wouldn’t it feel like your entire backside was exposed? Wouldn’t you feel a draft? Wouldn’t a cape, monastic robe or serape cover more? And BTW, in this economy, how the hell is there even a market for Snuggies? Wouldn’t it just be cheaper to wear your coat backward and still get the same look?  Or are we as a society so in need of having to fit in that we are resorting to walking around wearing god damn "blankets"?  You watch, pretty soon North Face will exact its revenge and release their own version of the Snuggie for $99.99 a pop and everyone will HAVE to have one....That of course will lead my daughter to whine that her original is no good and is now a "Fuggie" -- aka a fake Snuggie....

Yet, every time I see the commercial, especially the shots with multiple family members wearing the same color Snuggie, I can’t help but think of Nike wearing, kool-aid drinking cults. And at Halloween, all you need is a "Scream" mask to look like one of the crazy phantoms from Scooby Doo cartoons. I am comforted, though, with the thought that just as the mania over beanie babies (which now seem kinda ghetto next to the damn Webkinz), Cabbage Patch Kids, spray on hair, dancing flowers, singing trout and “Billy Beer” eventually subsided, and I pray that this too shall pass.

Unless of course President Obama takes to wearing a Snuggie....but we all know Michelle will have his back.