The Associated Press and USA Today confirmed reports yesterday that U.S. government officials have dropped the name "swine flu" when speaking about the outbreak of the "H1N1" virus. According to an expose in Pork Fancy magazine, the agricultural department has been under round-the-clock pressure from the Washington pork lobby which fears the term "swine flu" will confuse people into thinking they can catch the virus from pork, which they can't...unless the pork is eaten raw, someone has taken the term "slam pig" literally, or it has crossed the border into Texas in the back of a '72 El Camino. Far be it from our latest administration to want to hurt the feelings of millions of pigs world wide....
Speaking on deep background, a source revealed only as "Kermit," who also assisted on the Sesame Street layoff story, agrees that simply eating pork will not give a person swine flu. However, Kermit advises that just by kissing a pig, the chances of getting swine flu increase 87% and if the pig you are kissing happens to hail from Mexico, then you need to get your ass to an emergency room before you begin to grow a small pink tail and it begins to curl up. He does also forecast labor issues in his neighborhood arising now that the Obama adminstration has insisted on referring to the current outbreak by the term "H1N1". "The letters Q and Z are definitely going to have a problem with this," said Kermit, "and I am hearing that 3 is feeling affirmative action may be necessary to in order to stay relevant in the future.." Kermit also could not confirm or deny reports that Miss Piggy has checked herself into to Cedars Sinai in Los Angeles for “flu-like exhaustion" as a result of the latest news.
As international health agencies gear up to fight the first politically correct disease pandemic, Muslim extremist and Ultra-Orthodox Jews have found a common ground protesting the"swine flu" moniker due to shared religious sensitivities to pigs. The U.N. has been test marketing posters in Iraq "Aren't you glad you don't dig on swine!" in which a woman in a burka instructs her children to wash their hands. While similar sentiments are being used on public service pamphlets in Tel Aviv with a photo of Jerry Seinfeld tossing bagels at Kramer, who is holding a small pig. The caption reads, "The new flu - Oink Vey! It's not kosher, anymore!"
Mexico, still trying to recover from damage caused by the growing popularity of the term "Dirty Sanchez", is openly fighting global pressure to call the outbreak the "Mexican Flu". But in an attempt to cash in on the swine flu mania and increase its global visibilty, the Maldives has announced that it would like to put it's hat in the ring as host of the new flu name. The term "Maldavian Pig Pox" was approved almost unanimously by the island nation's 340,000 residents during a town hall style vote. Residents felt the name was neither demeaning nor offensive as there are no pigs living on any of the country's 2,000 islands nor has anyone had any type of flu or flu-like disease since the country gained independence from Britian in the 1950's.
Maldavies Minister of Tourism, Sir Nelson Biggles, is quick to point out that a similar epidemic created a tourist boom in the late '90s for the West Nile area of Africa, especially with researchers, journalists and scientists. The Minister stopped short of stringing together events such as Bea Arthur's death, global warming, Susan Boyle's instant stardom, Arlen Specter's political switch and Air Force One buzzing Lower Manhattan as direct results of the swine flu epidemic.
"We are trying very hard to evoke President Obama's message of hope into our new travel and tourism push and we will be rolling out a series of new ads during American prime time television and Major League Baseball games," said Sir Nelson. "We are very excited to announce the new Maldavian travel slogan - Maldavian Pig Pox.....Yes, you can! Catch it!"
No word yet from the White House if President Obama himself has discovered the cure to this flu, but sources say it has been added to his list, and he is working on it intently....