The Art Of The Douche Bag

I hate to admit it, but my husband and I have been living with a horrible, horrible secret. So, horrible that we carefully hide it from our children, neighbors, friends, family, co-workers. We are addicts…and our drug of choice is REALLY BAD TV. You name it – "Celebrity Apprentice,"

“The Littlest Groom,” “Wife Swap,” 3 a.m. Nick at Nite reruns of “The Nanny,” “Saturday Night Live”(the Jon Lovitz years) – if it has tanked in the ratings, we have watched it…twice.

The latest show to catch our fancy has been Discovery Channel’s “Pitchmen” – the self-promoting vehicle for career pitchman, Billy Mays and the stable of products he hawks. Yes, the same ingratiating guy with a mask of facial hair that resembles jet black shag carpeting and sells $19.99 crap that you don’t need, like the stupid little hamburger molds. (I mean come the fuck on – “Big City Sliders” - whose brilliant idea was that concept, isn’t a mini hamburger just a flat, glorified meatball?)

After watching the first episode, my husband just shook his head and muttered, “What a douche!” I couldn’t hear what he said and quickly asked what the problem was. “That guy, Billy Mays, he’s just such a douche, I mean that’s the only thing that came to mind as I watched. I feel so dirty, like I should take a shower after I watch that show.” He then began to apologize, thinking I would be offended by his language. I assured him that I was not, as I was strangely thinking the same thing.

When you think about it, in broad terms what really is a douche bag? Wikitionary defines a douche bag (n.) as the bag for holding water or fluid used in douching (vaginal or anal levage). The vulgar slang term is loosely used to describe “a worthless person, jackass or asshole, someone blatantly inconsiderate of others. The plural form is douche bags, but if you are at the Jersey Shore and happen upon a gathering of 6 or more douche bags, then you have a Bon Jovi tribute band. (I was going to say Springsteen, but that didn’t seem quite douche-y enough).

The problem is that once you identify one douche bag, you see them everywhere. It’s the same phenomenon that happens when you buy a new car. You might think that the model and color that you picked are almost exclusive to you, then you roll it off the lot, stereo blaring Scissor Sisters, and realize that every other car is the exact same as yours and the drivers are listening to way cooler music. Just turn on your TV and they are everywhere:

• Donald Trump (Classy Douche)
• Anderson Cooper (Tea Bagging Douche)
• Mel Gibson (Dirty Ol’ Douche or now that he has child #8 on the way, Octo-Douche)
• Ashton Kutcher (Pretty Boy Douche)
• psychic John Edward (I See Dead People Douche, not to be confused with Cheating Politician Douche John Edwards)
• Jim Cramer (Crazy Wall Street Douche)
• Dr. Phil (Oprah’s Right Hand Douche)
• Bill O'Reilly (King of the Douche Bags)
• Imus (Isn't He Dead Yet Douche?)
• Rush Limbaugh (Medicated Douche)
• Tom Brady ('Nuff Said)
• Jon Gosselin (Douche-y Dad)…and the list goes on and on…….
  

While through the ages “douching” and “douche bags” have been typically associated with women, a woman it seems is rarely, if ever, described as one. My husband wondered if I considered douche bag a derogatory term, like the “c” word. (You all know the word I’m talking about….the stank nasty name for the vajajay or the cha-cha). I paused for a moment and thought its not really a knock on womanhood if someone used douche bag as a derogatory term for an asshole male. Especially since most physicians will agree that douching is not really the most hygienic or safest thing to be doing anyway.

Yet, there are definitely women out there that you wouldn’t classify as bitchy, but you don’t want to start throwing around c-bombs. There has got to be a douche bag-esque name for women like Suze Orman, Paris Hilton, Sarah Palin, Joan Rivers, Rosie O'Donnell, and Kate Gosselin – women that make your skin crawl with the same feeling that you get from watching Billy Mays. At dinner with friends one night, amid a chorus of laughter, I floated out my ideal name for a female douche bag – vag (as in vagina) wipe!

Maybe being a douche bag isn’t all that bad, serial-dating, male slut John Mayer has even gone on the record stating, “Yeah, I’m kind of a douche.” And New Jersey has cornered the market on both male hair gel and the moniker (not to be confused with the tube sock and faux dockersider wearing New England variation - the Masshole). Does the adage hold that once a douche always a douche? Can a douche bag ever be rehabilitated? And what happened when a douche and a vag wipe marry, like Heidi and Spencer? Does that classify as inbreeding?

I guess I will just have to wait for more bad reality TV, like “I’m a Douche Bag, Get Me Out of Here!” or “Survivor: Atlantic City – The Celebrity Douche Bag edition,” before all of my questions are answered....