Take the Baba Wawa Cha-Cha Chow-wenge

An open letter to MSNBC “Morning Joe” co-host, Mika Brzezinski, from Barbara Walters as part of a growing vibratory rift between the two powerhouses:


Dear Mika,

My good friend Fidel Castro once told me that "when it comes to sex toys, everyone is a comedian". So you can imagine how surprised I was at your utter distaste for my witty bon mot on Monday’s show. After all it is 2009 and we are living in a post-SITC (Sex In The City) world. Did Carrie Bradshaw and Samantha not teach you a thing or two about a well placed "rabbit"? No need for "Mr. Big" in this discussion, especially where my co-host Joy Behar is concerned....

Perhaps "stimulus" is on the tip of everyone's tongue these days, but in my experience when you get four cranky women grousing around a table and it’s only a matter of time before a vibrator rears is large pulsating head. Really, I mean what are Joe and Willie really going to gab with you about while sitting at the news desk? I’m going to guess the Seinfeld “swirl” move episode is not a topic of discussion.

Much ado about nothing has been made from a wise ass crack from Joy and my quick witted response. I didn’t even utter the big bad “v” word or "dildo", "schlong", or "mommy pleaser" for that matter. But as someone might cryptically ask “do you burn?” when asking if you smoke the reefer, I surmise that you have never “zzzzzzz-ed” a four-speed Joy Stick to Prince’s assless chapped Alphabet Street. It was my good friend, Cary Grant who once said that "making love was his favorite form of exercise"....I know that just the thought of this made me yell out "Judy, Judy, Judy" in the throes of passion more than one time...My other good friend, Alex Rodriguez once said he enjoyed making love, but "more when doing it with myself". I have first hand knowledge that his own line of sex toys, called the A-Prod will be debuting at Kabala Centers very soon -- and potentially in the "Spring Training Package" from Intimate Surprises.

Mika, you need to loosen up and get yourself a little better acquainted with your “lady business.” To start, I suggest you hand-pick a nickname. Just as Henry Kissinger once confided to me that he often referred to “little Henry” as “Shaft,” I have given my general vaginal area the nickname "Cha-Cha" or more formerly "Cha-Cha Wawa". Why "Cha-Cha" you might ask? I picked a moniker that would also provide a private homage to my favorite character from “Grease,” no not Kinicki, but Cha Cha DeGregoria, "the best dancer at St. Bernadette’s with the worst reputation". And if you knew me during the 60's and 70's, you'd know that Cha-Cha Wawa got around!

If all of this dick talk is making you consider changing your prudish ways, I suggest that you start slow in the personal massage department. I strongly recommend starting with the Jackhammer Jesus and one dollop of “Slick-uid” -- any more and your chooch will resemble a Six Flags log flume. Trust me....I still walk funny since I got a little over zealous with myself in 1987 after a late night of partying with Gary Coleman in Malibu....

As my friend the Dalai Lama once whispered to me, "a good orgasm will make you see dead people, curl your toes with delight, and realize in one brief moment of clarity what the numbers on Lost really meant".

Warmest Regards,

Barbara and Cha-Cha Wawa

Was Abraham Lincoln Gay? A Penny for your thoughts…

Today, on the website Queerty.com, the question is posed and pondered that Abraham Lincoln was gay. And with this one assertion, Abraham Lincoln has officially “made it” into the modern pop culture psyche. Like all great Americans, some Brits, and celebrities such as Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Angelina Jolie, Orlando Bloom, Clay Aiken, Oprah, Anderson Cooper, Simon Cowell, Jody Foster, Steve Martin, Jenna Jameson, Mike Tyson, Mr. Clean, Capt. Kirk and Mr. Spock,  and the Maytag Repairman – whose sexualities have all been up for debate in living rooms across the nation like parlor games, I suppose for Lincoln it was only a matter of time.

So what if Lincoln shared a cabin and bed for four years with his “mentor” and “loving friend,” Joshua Speed. Does that REALLY mean anything? Of course they had to cuddle, frontier nights were cold and beds were small. Isn’t this really the same male bonding dynamic exhibited in the critically acclaimed 1993 movie “Alive,” in which a South American rugby team resorted to desperate survival measures and Ethan Hawke’s character was given the directive, “Nando, you eat me first.”

What will come out next? That Lincoln was a Scientologist? That his wife, Mary Todd, was really his sister? That he was second runner up in a local “Log Cabin Idol” competition and was forced into law after career aspirations as a showman were crushed? That he had a tattoo of Harriet Tubman across his left thigh? That he was really Hispanic? Should we even really care?

“We can not escape history,” was one of old Abe’s more famous quotes. And while he cannot escape controversy, Lincoln will forever be a symbol of freedom. He delivered us all at our country’s darkest hour and beckoned us to be better, not just on the eve of the Emancipation Proclamation, but for every generation to come. Equality for all races, ethnicities, religions, creeds, nationalities, sexualities and universal beings will be a fight that we will have to continue for our legacy, our children’s legacy and Lincoln’s legacy. In the end, I don’t care if he was or wasn’t gay. But, if I find out he was a Scientologist, I’ll be pretty damn pissed.