Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Laying All My Spanx On The Line

Every time I read the “Aha Moment” section of the Oprah magazine, I can’t help but wonder where is mine – where is my “aha?”

Celebrities, such as Rashida Jones, who has written about “Finding Joy in Sadness” and, who has opined on “Discovering America from Afar”, line up to share their wisdom on love, loss, beauty, spirituality and life. Still, I really don’t think I’ve had a life altering moment were the clouds have parted and God’s voice spoke. I mean, isn’t the “aha moment” really just a suburban myth, like the elusive triple orgasm, the laundry fairy and “quality me” time?

Finally, at 9:43 a.m. on Wednesday morning, I had mine. It was acute, like a pin prick, but I knew in an instant something would have to give. I was running late for my daughter’s field trip where I had volunteered to help show what life was like in turn-of-the-century New England. I pulled into the closest available parking space, grabbed my latte and hopped out to the car.

“Hey there!” a familiar male voice boomed. The voice was exiting the car next to me and I immediately recognized the dad of one of my daughter’s friends. This is when the embarrassing wardrobe malfunction began….

As we began to walk uphill from the parking lot to the check-in area, the typical small talk ensued, “Are you here for the field trip?” I asked. “Yeah, but I only thought it was going to be an hour, I didn’t know this was going to be all day,” he said and droned on about hoping to get a half day of work in and not making the bus at school and hoping that he hadn’t left the science coordinator high and dry. I politely nodded and listened, but in reality I wasn’t listening at all - I could only focus on one thing...

As I had hopped out of the driver’s seat, I felt a sharp pain around the very top of my left thigh. I was wearing a pair of Spanx “Power Panties,” the flesh-tone nylon unmentionables that are supposed to discreetly streamline your silhouette. The left leg curled up to an uncomfortable and lumpy 2 inch thickness, and snuggly gripped my leg like a rubber band. As we kept walking I was keenly aware of the direness of my situation and I tried to simultaneously listen, not walk funny and scan the property for the nearest bathroom. I was pretty sure that not much could be seen from the front, but from behind, my left ass cheek must have looked like it was either overcome with a tumor or laden with a shit load of cellulite.

As we got to the check-in area and went our separated ways- I was left to trek off to my station which seemed miles away from a bathroom. When I reached the spot, no one else was there. I looked around and for a fleeting second thought of dropping trough in the middle of the field to un-spanx my spanx. I thought twice, however, when I heard the noise of school children and watched the bus rocket up the road (that I thought was hidden by the brush), directly behind me. Thus, my spandex-ed ass was left to suffer in silence, and I was left to fret that my upper leg circulation would be fucked up forever. For the next two hours, I could not shake the vision of my husband trying to explain to the kids why mommy had to have her leg amputated.

How many “shaping” foundation garments do you have to own before you realize, this is no way to live? Or, the reality sinks in that it’s time to finally lose some weight. While Power Panties do pack a punch, they aren’t supposed to scream “girdle!”

Looking for solace or at least fat Kristie Alley photos on, I read that “ahas are the product of our own deep innate wisdom.” Well duh….of course I know the only person I’m fooling is my self, but I can’t really think anymore of anything philosophical or ironic to say about wearing firm form support. My inner voice tells me that I should never have encased my thighs in spandex in the first place, which I admit is different from Jada Pinkett’s “Aha Moment.” Apparently, in her moment, “God was telling me (her), ‘Surrender or explode.’” I hear ya’ Jada, especially on the explode part…

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