Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Slacker Mom? Bitch, Pleeze!

My 36th birthday was Saturday.  Now that I’m one year older and that much closer to the wrong side of 40, I’m finding that when it comes to some of life's little nuances, like political correctness, I just don’t care. For example, I'm finding that my ability to self-edit before blurting out exactly what is on my mind is slipping.  You all know what I'm talking about...it's those times when you think “WTF Retard!” when the well intentioned mentally challenged grocery bagger stuffs your loaf of organic whole grain bread in between multiple juice box cartons, a large bottle of diet iced tea and a jar of black bean salsa to create one large, flat, oblong tortilla.  The vast majority of you would politely push your cart away while silently cussing a blue streak in your head.  But yesterday was one of those days, and in the 12 item or less line, I think I might have said it out loud.

As I stood there wondering, "Oops, did I just say that?"  I kept thinking of a Saturday Night Live skit that I watched over the weekend and have not gotten Angie Tempura, the “Bitch Pleeze Blogger”, out of my head.  I laugh every time I watch it and the response has become my unofficial slacker mom battle cry! 

Why? Bitch, pleeze!  It is an apt response for almost every friend, co-worker, family member and occasion.  One perfect, snarky little Hallmark-ism that just says, “Shut the fuck up,” but in a much nicer way.  And, it is VERY cathartic.  Just as the lector reads the petitions/intentions at church and the congregation responds with “amen” or “Lord, hear our prayer.”  So too should moms everywhere state “Bitch, pleeze!” in response to whining, nagging, complaining and utter stupidity.

For use with the kids:

“Why do you have to make me do ALL of my homework!"

“Bitch, pleeze!”

"Mommy...even though I just had a Pop Tart, 3 juice boxes, a twinkie and 10 mini pancakes, I'm STILL hungry"

“Bitch, pleeze!”

"I don't want to play outside, it's boring.  I'd rather watch High School Musical again."
“Bitch, pleeze!”

“Everyone in the fourth grade has a Nintendo DS, IPod, AmEx Platinum Card, Smart Car, Pony, and Snuggie, but me!”

“Bitch, pleeze!”

“Mommy, I didn’t make it to the potty in time!”

“Bitch, pleeze!”

For use with teachers /administrators:

While your son tries hard, he needs to focus more on his classroom work and less time on farting noises.

“Bitch, pleeze!”

This is the Vice Principal.  There was a little incident in the lunch line this afternoon.  Your daughter told a little boy that he was only going to get coal in his stocking this Christmas.

“Bitch, pleeze!”

For use with your husband / spouse:

I thought I was going to get a birthday blow job?"

“Bitch, pleeze!”

Can you take the kids out for the afternoon, I really need to focus on the football game I’m watching on TV!

“Bitch, pleeze!”

It also works, I have found, for any "high priority email" with return receipt request and ASAP in the subject line, non-profit organization communications, neighbors that park on my lawn, phone solicitors from India, the cranky, sexually ambiguous mail lady who reads my People magazine, and my mother-in-law.

Got any good ones of your own to add to the list? 


Anonymous said...

So....why didn't you give your husband a birthday blowjob? Maybe he needs another bitch, please!

minivan gal said...

Bitch, pleeze! You better read the post again, I never said that I didn't! And it's not that I wouldn't suck and tell, but a gal's gotta leave some juicy details for the book deal!