Inner Peace is Hard Work

I am not perfect. I am not always silly, funny, snarky.  I am not always organized, thoughtful, together.  There are some days in which I feel that all that I am and all that I offer is the sum of what I am not.

As the first weeks of the new year unfold, I resolve to be at peace with who I am.  To be at peace with what I am not.  To be at peace with my mistakes.  To be at peace with forgiveness. To be be at peace so that I can let it all go. 

Below is my poem, my mantra, my mission statement. When you read it, know that however you are, however you feel, however life finds you at this moment, it is okay.

Taming The Demons Within

Tonight I want to howl at the moon

with wild, visceral abandon.
To cast off cobwebs and shadows and demons of the past.

I want to throw my head back and let out a throaty, reckless moan.
From deep in my chest, from the curve of my spine, to the kink in my neck
I need to let go.

Of anger and guilt and shame and regret.
Of numbing emotions that caused me to forget
What it is like to live, to thrive, to be.

I need to release the memories, the excuses, the fear
That have woven themselves into my mind, my being,
The very essence of my soul.

I have let this happen. I have indulged those thoughts.
I have rewritten and crossed out and amended myself according to the interpretation of strangers.
And over time I believed this was my story, my sacred text, my I Ching of me.

Tonight I want to howl at the moon, to reclaim myself. To cancel, erase and delete the untruths.
To cast off the worries, the bandaged battle scars, the mantle of discontent that I has hung over my shoulders and neck and temples in an illusion of watery, dripping jewels.

And now I, and only I
In one long guttural burst can let it all go, can shatter the past, release the future, and recreate the mold of myself
Only I can blossom and boom and start anew
With passion, and zest and strength.
In one long guttural burst I can embrace my strength and chart my direction and my find my true self.

And when the dawn has broke and the day has begun,
When old familiar thoughts start to creep back in, and ooze about the cracks in my resolve like hot, sticky paving tar.
I will howl to myself, in my heart, with a clear conscience and true vision of how I want to life my life.
To make bold colorful choices and harbor no regrets.

I will howl and howl and howl. Until the negative is no more.
Until I use my internal compass to find my way again. Until the only voice I hear is my own.