If I Gave A Tweet...

Twitter confounds me. It's right up there with the fine line of the facebook status update - either mundane and boring or extremely witty and funny. There never really seems to be a middle ground...and for the most part, I thought that "tweets" were silly, narcissistic cyber shout-outs - the online equivalent of a blog's poor WT trailer livin' cousin.

Then I read an article on TechCrunch regarding a Twitter account called "Shitmydadsays." The posts made me laugh so hard, I nearly peed my pants. With a lot of inspiration and an econo box of Depends, I composed the following "bon mots" as if I really gave a tweet - therefore, if I twittered this is what I'd say:

• I hate it when people stop me to say, "Wow! You look really great today." Then, I have to respond, "Thanks, I finally took a shower."

• Happy Birthday! I heard you're turning 40, but want to hear the best part...I'm not!

• Met a friend for coffee. First thing I said was, "I got dressed today...what the fuck happened to you?"

• If men can come up with remedies for conditions like Erectile Dysfunction, why the hell can't they fix "Man Boobs?"

• Am dropping the kids off at the pool...no shit...literally - I AM AT THE POOL...with the kids.

• Now that I've had three kids, I really should've rethought the location of that "Hamburgler" tattoo...

• WTF!!! WR R HR SPX? (Where are her spanx?)

• Too much green. Too much pink. Too matchy-matchy is what I think.

• Just fucked my husband...will he just get the hell off of me already!

• Why does Eli Manning always look like he was beaten with an ugly stick?

• Just farted in Starbucks and blamed it on the 5 year-old.

• Not all soccer moms are angry and vulgar...just me.

And the list could go on....because this is kinda fun...and because I have so much stuff pent up in my head....and because you know you want to....you can now follow me on twitter here.